I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
