He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
