I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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