I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Can you bring me the toilet please
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
