guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
