His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
