she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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