i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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