i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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