he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
