my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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