I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
