Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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