You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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