Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
