I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
