9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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