4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
