The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
