So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
