Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
