Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
