So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
