I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
