I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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