Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
