she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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