u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
