Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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