It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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