This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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