We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
