Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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