i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
