She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
