I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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