Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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