I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
