I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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