Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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