so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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