Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
