She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Randomize
