she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Pants are for mortals
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