apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
