i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
