when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
