God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
