I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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