btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
