this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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