Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
